Tomorrow is Christmas and that means that I will be releasing my Top 10 Best Horror Films of 2013, but before I can get to that I will have to make my way through the Top 5 Worst Genre Films of 2013. This includes any sci-fi or horror related films that came out during the year. My list includes only five movies because to be honest, I usually forget about the really bad movies soon after watching them. These are the worst because they are the movies that I committed to memory for being complete, useless wastes of my time. Enjoy.
Honorable Mention: After Earth – M. Night Shyamalan and Jaden Smith… working together, in one movie. Do I have to say any more? Alright, I have to be honest, the reason why this movie gets an honorable mention is because I never actually sat down to watch this movie. Just by knowing who was behind it and the crappy CGI film trailer, I knew this movie was a disaster without even wasting my time watching it. If I had, though, I’m sure that this film would have been higher on my list.
5. Mama – I would rather watch Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who portrays Jamie Lannister in Game of Thrones and co-stars in Mama, have sex with his real-life sister and kick an innocent child out a two-story window than have to sit through this waste of time again. The movie started off well enough and halfway through I thought that Mama might actually be a good film. But the last half of this movie was complete and utter shit, with terrible CGI and an unsatisfying and stupid conclusion. Nothing disappoints me more than a great set-up completely wasted on a pointless overall film.
4. R.I.P.D. – Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds are both quality actors who deserve much better material than R.I.P.D. gives them. The concept seems like a complete rip-off of Men In Black, except they are dealing with souls instead of aliens. The CGI is laughable and the battle scenes between the R.I.P.D. officers and the escaped souls look almost as if they belonged in an actual cartoon. The terrible effects mixed in with a terrible script and awful directing all mix together to create one mediocre and boring Blockbuster.
3. A Haunted House – Marlon Wayans has seen better days. First, he was completely removed from the second G.I. Joe film after playing one of the main characters in the original. Then he had to disgrace the sub-genre of films that he and his brothers helped to create with the first two Scary Movie films, by releasing this parody of the terrible Paranormal Activity franchise. When the only laugh that you get is from a fart joke, then you officially are a failure. Even worse is the fact that A Haunted House 2 is set to be released in 2014. How?
2. Scary Movie 5 – Speaking about ruining the Wayans Brothers comedic legacy, here comes Scary Movie 5. To call this series tired at this point is a harsh understatement. There is nothing funny about this movie, not even the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan opening that was trying way to hard to even elicit one solitary laugh. Hell, this film even resorts to making fun of another film on this list, Mama, which came out the SAME YEAR! Let’s please just put this once promising series to rest once and for all. Even worse is that Scary Movie 5 made it into theaters over great horror films such as Curse of Chucky, which was released straight-to-DVD. Now that’s scary!
1. Machete Kills – Shame on you Robert Rodriguez, shame on you! The original Machete was a fun and violent throwback to the old days of Grind House exploitation cinema. Everything that was amazing and fun about the original film is the opposite in this film, which is about as boring and tiresome as you can get. Charlie Sheen needs to get a better agent, being that he is in the two worst films on this list. The worst part about Machete Kills and the main reason why this is the worst film of the year is that I felt like this movie was never going to end, and not even Mel Gibson’s craziness could save it. If Machete Kills is any indication, maybe fans shouldn’t be as excited about Robert Rodriguez making a second Sin City flick. Lets hope I’m wrong.
I simply don’t understand how some of these really terrible movies even make it to theaters, especially when there are so many fantastic films that have to find their audiences on DVD or Video On Demand. I would say that I hope this trend doesn’t continue, but we all know that it will. If there is any gift that we here at Morbidly Amusing can give to you guys, its the time that you could have wasted watching any of these terrible movies.
Come here tomorrow for a list of movies that are actually worth your time and hard-earned money.