Rated: R

84 mins.

Written by: Douglas Aarniokoski, David Loughery

Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski

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Nurse 3D started off well enough, with a nurse named Abby Russell who murders a man that is cheating on his wife, something that she apparently likes to do in her free time.  She is in charge of training a new nurse, Danni, who she develops an interest in and before you know it we are entering Single White Female territory, only done a million times worse.

This movie treats its women like they are in an exploitation film, with both main female characters showing off their naked bodies whenever they can, but even though I appreciate some full-frontal nudity it still doesn’t make up for this movie being a piece of shit.  Not only is this film not worth your time, but it is also filled with terrible acting and disappointing CGI violence that is thrown in at the very end of the movie.  Nurse 3D was 84 minutes too long.

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Positives:

Well Shot – The director, Douglas Aarniokoski, and the cinematographer know how to frame a scene and shoot it well.  That is about the best thing I can say about this movie, it looks like they can at least make look a good looking film, although at the end of the day that is basically like polishing a cinematic turd.

Lots of Nudity – For the male fans of these kinds of movies, not so much for the female viewers, hot girls getting naked is a big positive.  Surprisingly, however, the amount of random, pointless nudity eventually started to get old.  For example, the killer nurse Abby would frequently walk around in just a bra wearing nothing underneath.  Who does that?  In my opinion, the nudity was there to entice the male audience into wasting their time watching something pointless.  Sorry movie, you’re not tricking me.

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Negatives:

Terrible Acting – The two lead actresses, Paz de la Huerta and Katrina Bowden, both gave terrible performances, with the prior of the two being downright awful.  The motivations and the relationship between the two characters was simply not there.  The scene in which the two characters go out and end up in bed together didn’t make much sense, especially considering the fact that Paz de la Huerta’s character Abby apparently hates men who cheat on their wives, yet it’s okay for her to seduce a woman who has a boyfriend.  The movie also featured Judd Nelson in a small role, which didn’t help the movie out because he was under-used.  I didn’t care about what happened to any of these characters.

Confusing P.O.V. – The film started off with an internal monologue by Abby, in which we are introduced to her life, and we follow her through most of the first act, before the audience suddenly starts to follow Danni, the girl that Abby becomes obsessed with.  And then at the end of the movie we randomly start following Abby again, who continues with an internal monologue.  It’s like the movie didn’t know which character the film should follow, and because of that the audience is left confused over which character we were supposed to sympathize with.  They should have just picked one character to follow as the main lead.

Lame 3D – I am growing sick and tired of movies using 3D in their title, and advertising their film as being in 3D, and then featuring almost nothing that warrants the use of uncomfortable 3D glasses.  I saw the regular version of the film, yet I noticed only three moments in the film which would have benefited from the use of 3D, because besides that the filmmakers were just looking to charge more money for tickets.  Now that I think about it, I don’t even think that Nurse 3D made it to any theaters… so what exactly was the point of having it?

Disappointing Violence – Besides the opening death scene, there was almost a complete lack of violence throughout much of this films running time, which made the payoff for Abby killing people almost nonexistent.  It was only in the final fifteen minutes of the movie that much of the violence happened, but like usual it was lazy and uninventive CGI.  It also confused me about why Abby started randomly killing off innocent patients, especially considering that the only people she killed before that were cheaters and people that she thought deserved it.  Even in her final internal monologue, she thought that the world was a better place for the people that she killed, yet what did these innocent patients do to deserve what they got?

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Nurse 3D was a complete mess of a movie.  It didn’t make for a good thriller, a violent slasher film or even a halfway competent erotic-thriller.  Hell, it didn’t even make for a very good exploitation film, even though it featured a lot of nudity.  The acting was terrible, the violence wasn’t enticing, and the plot was boring and predictable.  I would suggest renting Single White Female if you want to see a similar film that was done better, or Piranha 3D if you are looking for a movie that features both naked girls and well done 3D, as well as tons of visual violence.

I really wished that Nurse 3D wasn’t such a waste of time, especially considering how short the movie actually is.  It somehow made female nudity and a semi-lesbian affair, mixed in with a nurse that uses her sexuality as a weapon (which was done much better in Teeth) to equate to the film being boring.  It takes a complete lack of making decent entertainment to make something this unnecessary and lame.  Mark your calendars now, because I am sure that Nurse 3D will eventually find its way on my worst films of 2014 list.

3/10